


Spare Change

by AnonEhouse



Category: Doctor Who, Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adopted Tony, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2013-11-18
Packaged: 2018-01-02 00:43:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1050500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony switches sexes. Steve is very confused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spare Change

**Author's Note:**

> (I'm imagining this as a missing scene from near the end of The Avengers movie.)
> 
> Based rather loosely on a prompt from Cap-Ironman on Dreamwidth. Prompt is in the end note.

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"I hope no one kissed me," Tony said, waving one armored gauntlet weakly as he lay in the smashed rubble aftermath of the Chitauri invasion. "Wow, it's weird looking up at the sky in Manhattan. There's... more colors."

Steve made an adorable sound, a bit like a squeak. Hulk's brow lowered and he looked confused. Thor looked up and said, "The sky looks the same to me as before."

"Oh, wait, I know what it is; my color discrimination is better like this. Forgot the reset switch." Tony grunted and sat up. "Ow. The suit is pinching my boobs."

Hulk rumbled, "BOOBS?"

"Yeah, you know, those bumpers women have in front?" Tony tugged at the neck of the Iron Man suit. "Lemme just change back and get comfortable." Tony's eyes closed for a moment, and then he got up. "That's better."

"Tony," Steve said. "You were a woman. For a minute there. Really. No... no beard. Your voice... you were a _woman_."

"Yeah? So?" Tony scratched at drying blood on his cheek. "You're looking at me funny, Cap. Did I miss a spot?"

"Men don't turn into women," Steve said, rather desperately. "Oh, God, I never did get out of the ice, this has all been one long dying hallucination."

Tony patted Steve on the arm. "No, no this is all real, Capsize. It's a thing that I do, sometimes. Mostly just for fun, but, eh, dying there. You know?" He peered closely into Steve's face. "Maybe you better sit down for a minute."

Thor guided Steve over to a chunk of what used to be the front of a bakery. Hulk grabbed a baguette and munched on it. Tony found a box of Bavarian creme donuts, only slightly squished, and wrote an IOU on the lid before he helped himself. "It's not a problem. You see, I was adopted."

"Ah, I understand." Thor nodded and took one of the donuts. "Oh, yes, much better than Pop-tarts." He fanned Steve with the edge of his cloak.

"You see?!" Steve stood up abruptly. "Being adopted doesn't explain anything!"

"Loki is adopted," Thor pointed out. He offered Hulk a donut. Hulk took it and let Thor keep his fingers. "He shifts sexes all the time." Thor nodded confidentially, and said, "Sometimes just because he likes a pair of shoes and wants to wear them."

"Never cared much for clothes," Tony said, "except for suits. I love suits." He finished off his donut and reached for another, but Hulk had bogarted the rest of the box.

"Are you saying that Tony is... what did you say Loki is... a Frost _Giant_?" Steve looked Tony up and down and frowned.

Tony rolled his eyes, "Am I blue? Do I have beady bloodshot eyes? Am I tattooed up the wazoo? Wait, strike the last one, you don't know what I'm like without the armor." He grinned at Steve.

Hulk stared at Tony, with more intelligence than most people would credit. "HOW YOU KNOW GIANTS ARE BLUE?"

Thor lowered his brows and scowled. "That is a good question. I did not describe them to you." It wasn't quite as impressive as Hulk's scowl, but it was fairly scary. And then Steve added Super Soldier Suspicion to the mix. 

"Look! It's a long story, but the short version is that a guy in a blue telephone booth showed up in the middle of Stark Mansion right after, well, the docs told Howard and Maria that they shouldn't keep trying to have a kid, too dangerous for her. Phone booth guy had a baby, and a sob story about second chances and misunderstood villains and you know, somewhere along the line he convinced Howard that this kid would be a genius and take over where Howard left off, and I think Howard was stinking drunk at the time. And Maria really really wanted a baby, so they figured, fine, no paper trail, and the kid looked a lot like Howard.

"So, that was me."

"That," Steve said, "Explains nothing."

Tony sighed and then talked really fast, "whenIgotolderIrememberedI'dbeenagenocidalmaniac. And I knew all this stuff. Aliens, planets, science that just doesn't exist here. I didn't, I still don't, remember everything from before I got whammied, de-aged, but I did remember that I didn't want to be that guy. All he cared about was making other people his slaves, when he wasn't killing them, so all I wanted was to have fun, and make stuff to make my side a little better protected. I was trying to stay out of things. Not take over the world. Really, Loki has no idea how miserable that is. No fun, no friends, and there's ALWAYS someone showing up to kick your ass off your throne."

Hulk leaned over to poke Tony in the chest. "WHY GIRL?"

"Oh, that. Well, when one of my people dies, we get a new body, randomly formed, but always the same sex. Women have an added extra- they can deliberately change forms without dying, and choose the sex along with everything else. Howard wanted a boy." Tony shrugged. 

Steve blinked. "So... you're a deaged female alien who shaped yourself to look like Howard Stark's baby."

Tony grinned. "Got it in one!" He looked around the street. "But don't pass it around. I'm still having trouble living down the rumor that I'm a bisexual alien and have an ammonia-filled tentacle on me." He huffed. "Ammonia. Ridiculous. Bisexual now..." He looked Steve up and down. "Ok, I'll give you that one."

Steve cleared his throat. "Um. Let's just go collect Loki. And... not talk about this."

"Great! And then we'll have shawarma."

**Author's Note:**

> [Tony has Random Sex Change](http://cap-ironman.dreamwidth.org/131501.html?thread=427693#cmt427693)
> 
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> Poor Steve is sooo confused.... Tony keeps randomly changing sexes for some reason. It can be treated as seriously or cracky as you want.
> 
> Some thoughts on ways you might want to take it.
> 
> \- Tony isn't aware of when it happens. Which ever sex he is, is the one he always remembers being.
> 
> \- Tony is aware and Tony tries to keep a secret for awhile.
> 
> Do Not Want: Non-Con, Misogyny, Personality transplant with sex change.


End file.
